What Is an ‘Imago’?

The old brain recognizes the sense of safety and security from those people who took care of us and influenced us from the moment we were born. Every one of us carries within, a picture or image that is actually a combination of the positive and negative characteristics of all these people and their attitudes toward us. (This image is called the “imago”) Romantic attraction, falling in love, depends very much on a potential partner’s conformity to that image. The moment we meet somebody the old brain has its own list and checks to see if the characteristics of this person matches what we already know. If there is a fairly close match, there is a chance for the relationship. The chance of ‘falling in love’ grows proportionately as the conformity of the partner to the unconscious image increases.

“And why,” says Hedy, “does our unconscious look for and find the person, who to the conscious mind, appears as if he or she least likely fits our parents and yet is likely to least able to give us what we are looking for? It is because the image that we hold inside consists not only of the positive qualities of caretakers, but also of the negative that we have experienced. At first glance, it looks like a trap: Why should we go again to those places that hurt us? In a logical, conscious choice of a partner, we were supposed to look for those who could compensate for what we didn’t receive from our caretakers – certainly not for someone who would act just like them! For example, if a person was wounded through parents who were not reliable and trustworthy, you would think the person would look for someone that they can easily trust. Someone who had a parent that was very overprotective would look for someone who would allow them freedom. But that is not what happens. The process of choosing our partner is governed far more by the unconscious.

Incompatible? — Celebrate It !

According to Hendrix’ theory, what looks like a trap, becomes a saving grace. When you learn new skills, it is precisely with that partner who seems most incompatible and who seems to re-wound you over and over again, that you both can learn to give your partner exactly what he or she has yearned for since childhood. This is part of the power of the method: by learning what our and our partner’s childhood wounds are, we can then re-image our partner, learn target-specific things we can do and say, and can become mutual healers.

Hedy, in speaking about some of the healing that has occurred in her own relationship by using Hendrix’ tools recalls; “When I began my practice as a psychotherapist, I was very busy. All of a sudden, for Yumi, it was as if I had disappeared. Once, when Yumi was coming in the house, I was on the telephone. He was terribly offended by this. Of course, it wasn’t the telephone that caused his anger. My action triggered all the feelings of that lonely child of the past. With the new tools we had learned, he could not only talk with me about this, but also give me a whole new understanding that his anger and frustration was not a personal attack against me. This is a small child who keeps terrible feelings of solitude and loss inside him. So we then agreed that if the marriage is a mission, and my mission is to help heal those childhood wounds, I would gladly give up the phone when he arrived home. If he came home and I was on the phone, I would quickly finish the conversation. Yumi would go outside and come in the door again, and I would give him a genuine, warm welcome that he had never received as a boy. The interesting part is that when you start to receive this kind of attention, the wound gradually heals. At one point, he simply said, “OK, I think that’s been enough for me. From now on, if you want to talk with someone, go ahead and continue the conversation.”

Reclaiming our ‘Lost Self’ in Our Road to Wholeness

Moreover, our selection of our partner is not only meant to heal those wounds, but also to help us reclaim parts of ourselves that seem ‘lost.’ We will also look for someone who completes what seems to be missing in us. “Basically, we are born and live as energy expressing itself,” explains Hedy. This energy is expressed in four basic ways; through our thinking, sensing, feeling, and acting. Each one of these channels of expression is equally legitimate and important. However, in the process of socialization, when our parents, teachers, and other adults (or institutions) gave us messages that told us who we were to be and how we were to act, some of this natural expression of our energy was blocked.

“When you tell a child things like, ‘Don’t touch your body,’ ‘Don’t feel angry’, ‘Don’t be so emotional,’ ‘You think too much,’ or ‘It’s not lady-like to be athletic,’ part of our natural expression goes into hiding. If you tell a quiet girl that she is being a good girl because she’s not making noise, the message she gets is good means quiet. If the girl is energetic and spontaneous, this becomes even more of a problem. Such a girl finds herself with a caretaker who does not want to be connected with her, puts her in a corner, and says, “When you calm down, we will talk with you.” She learns that being herself, expressing herself, is not OK. Instead of being nurtured, while being guided, in her way of expression, she learns to hide or repress her natural energy and spontaneity.

“During the time I was growing up, I was told, ‘Don’t be too smart or you will never find a husband.’ And so I learned to block my thinking. Of course, who did I look for? Someone who has brains. My unconscious immediately saw this in Yumi and it was as if it said, ‘Ah, here is my missing part.’ With Yumi, it was an identical process, but in the area of feeling. In his home, they used to say, ‘Don’t cry, don’t be so sensitive.’ And what did he see in me? Warmth, sensitivity, and bulging emotions.” We are not conscious of the process. We just feel complete, as if two halves make a whole. Hendrix says that we really find the one that will demand the we complete ourselves, that we reclaim our natural wholeness.

The Romantic Phase

In the romantic phase, that time of falling of love and ‘courting’, each person enjoys what the other person has to offer. I enjoyed the fact that Yumi had a good head on his shoulders, and he enjoyed the fact that I am sensitive and feel everything. Afterward, during the next phase of the relationship, the power struggle, the difficulties started at exactly this point. Yumi would say to me, “Why do you have to start every sentence with ‘I feel. . .”At least once in awhile, you could start with ‘I think. . .”. I would say things to him like, ‘Don’t you have any feelings? You are hard and cold.’ It’s as if the unconscious hires a person who will demand that we use those very aspects of ourselves that we have had to negate and lock away. Falling in love is part of the trick of nature to connect two people who often appear so incompatible.”

The Inevitable Power Struggle

The Romantic Phase is meant to fade away because we don’t need it any more. It got us together with the perfect person who will bring all our issues right to the surface. Then comes the second stage, the painful one, the power struggle. This is the stage when you feel like your partner does not, and will not, give you what you want and need, or that your partner is hurting your feelings or doesn’t care about you. For some couples, the power struggle is very intense, and for others relatively mild. But for everyone, it is an inevitable phase of the relationship.

“One way people react to the power struggle is to divorce,” says Hedy. “When it feels impossible to bear it anymore, this seems like the only way to survive. (Another reaction that we see more and more in the United States is murder or suicide of one of the partners.) What many people do, is just ‘cope.’ Often, these people create what is called a ‘parallel marriage’: ‘You do your thing, I’ll do mine. We have to stay together for the children.’ Often, these couples will spend more time with friends or the children than with each other. Many people have this kind of relationship that looks good on the outside and is basically dead on the inside. Another way people cope is by creating a ‘hot marriage’ in which there is alot of fighting, making up, and great sex afterwards. On the surface, people tell themselves the relationship is OK because the passionate fights and reconciliations stimulate alot of adrenalin and other chemicals that give the sensation of feeling good.

The Dance of the Hailstorm and the Turtle

“Yumi and I understood intuitively some of these things and we were really a good couple together. What happened with us was what Hendrix calls the power struggle between the ‘turtle’ and the ‘hailstorm.’ Every couple has, to some degree, its version of the hailstorm and the turtle. The hailstorm wants to talk about things, needs to relate, and projects things onto their partner. The turtle is the one who withdraws and locks himself or herself in.

Once, Yumi was in his shell for almost two weeks and I went crazy. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I grabbed him and screamed, ‘Enough! Come out of there! I need you!’ Yumi just stared into my eyes and replied, ‘I hate you.’ Although that was before we knew Hendrix’ tools, I understood that the one who had shouted at me was not Yumi the adult, but Yumi the child. . .the child who had spent long days locked in the basement. It was as if I could actually envision him knocking on the basement door and screaming at the grownups that he hated them. And when I recognized that, I had empathy. I felt for him, as if someone had done this to our small child and I started to cry. Yumi sensed that I wasn’t crying because of the words he had said to me, but because I understood him and cried out of compassion. The hatred disappeared and we shared a moment of great intimacy. Over the past three years, because of the Getting the Love You Want workshop and the tools we have practiced, we have learned to create such moments of intimacy consciously.”